so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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