I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
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