i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
