While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
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He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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