for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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