I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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