He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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