Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
