I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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