Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
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I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
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Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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