I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
