I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
