just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
