We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
