I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
How does it feel to date your dad?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
