I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
