y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
