Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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