i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
