Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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