i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
