new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
