Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
