so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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