First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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