Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
