seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
