Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
