Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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