she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
