he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
