Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
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I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
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Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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