I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
