Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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