so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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