end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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