she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
