I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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