Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
