note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
