I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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