he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
