this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
