Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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