It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
