I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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