His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize