you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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