they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
