She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
organizing the empties. That sober.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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