So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
