I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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