I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
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