5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
