fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
