Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She announced her abortion via fbk
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
