If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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