Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
