There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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