you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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